[DMCForum] Politicians compared to cars
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[DMCForum] Politicians compared to cars
- From: "Scott Mueller" <scott.a.mueller@xxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Fri, 14 May 2004 16:40:04 -0500
Check out Howard Dean.
By Tim Wilkins - News Editor
Lately, I've been having problems with my car. This comes as no surprise to
anyone who's seen my car. A 1999 Suzuki Swift with 185,000 miles on its
odometer, my vehicle has received last rites from mechanics more times than
Bill Clinton's political career.
They're a lot alike, actually ... my car and the former president. The
Suzuki, which my daughter affectionately calls "The Egg" because of its
chipped, white paint job and ovoid shape, has had to put up with the harsh
mistress of my heavy right foot for far too many years. Clinton, who grows
more ovoid every day and is affectionately called "Bubba" by a sycophantic
press that bought his southern snake oil salesman act for eight years, has
had to put up with harsh mistress Hillary for far too many years.
While recently thinking of our former president and my soon-to-be-former car
(auto salesmen have started circling me like slick-haired vultures as I
putter down the interstate), I remembered Barbara Walters' infamous question
posed to Katherine Hepburn, "If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you
For the heck of it, let's take that unfortunate moment in TV history and
insert "car" for "tree."
Obviously, I've already deduced Bill Clinton is a broken-down, 1999 Suzuki.
But what automobile would other politicians be if they were assigned
whitewalls and a 30-day dealer's tag?
- Howard Dean: No doubt, Mr. Dean is a Delorean. Just like the stainless
steel sports car that cocaine built, Dean started out with great promise and
was unlike any other model out there. However, America wasn't ready for
either the futuristic car or the candidate who wanted to take America "Back
to the Future" of FDR's socialist dream of a welfare chicken in every pot.
As a bonus, when you crank up the car and the candidate, both let out a
- George W. Bush: A decisive, powerful, gas-loving, bull in a free-trade
China shop. Hated by environmentalists, liberals and Ralph Nader. He's a big
old Hummer tearing up the Alaska wilderness. Dick Cheney is riding shotgun
and throwing empty beer cans at caribou.
- John Kerry: A 450-horsepower waffler who, to paraphrase the great Bob
Dylan, needs a weather vane to know which way the polls blow. Loved by
environmentalists and liberals, but definitely not Ralph Nader, Kerry's a
hybrid gas/electric. It doesn't matter the make ... Honda or Toyota ... as
long as it's foreign. Fluent in French and with a head made for a jaunty
beret, he'd most certainly be a Peugeot if the Frogs still imported the
Worst Car Ever Made to the states. Instead of a rebate, you get a hand full
- Ralph Nader: A 1965 Corvair, because Nader is definitely "unsafe at any
speed." If the impossible happened, such as cats mating with dogs, the Fox
Network producing a tasteful television program, or this enviro-Nazi somehow
getting elected president, it would surely mark the end of times. Substitute
the U.S. Constitution with "The Communist Manifesto" and you get an idea of
what it would be like to live for four years under the Birkenstock heel of
- Ted Kennedy: The Gibbs Aquada, obviously a wide-body. What ... never heard
of it? It's an expensive, sporty roadster that also converts into a boat
when faced with bodies of water - just like Kennedy in 1969 when he made his
aquatic getaway after crashing his Oldsmobile into the drink at
Chappaquiddick. And its $250,000 price tag is probably about equal to what
special interest groups need to pony up some face time with the senator from
Massachusetts. Also, both Kennedy and the Aquada are powered by an
alternative fuel source - scotch.
- Donald Rumsfeld: A 1972 Ford Pinto. After a partisan attack from the rear
by Democrats over the Abu Ghraib military prison mess, it looks like his
political career just might go up in flames.
- Al Gore: A 1974 Silver Surfer. This was the name of the soapbox derby
racer I built out of orange crates and shopping cart wheels when I was a Cub
Scout. Like Gore, it was wooden and wobbly. Unlike Gore, it actually won a
Frankly, I think all of the above are in need of an image tune-up.
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