[DMCForum] Re: Tools, Your Friends
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[DMCForum] Re: Tools, Your Friends

Right On!   Thanks for the midday smile!!!!


--- In DMCForum@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx, Ryan Wright <ryanpwright@xxxx> wrote:
> The True Definition Of Tools
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
> and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
> freshly painted automobile part you were drying.
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
> under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
> whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes
> to say,
> "Ouch...."
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
> holes until you die of old age.
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
> dismal your future becomes.
> VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
> available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
> the palm of your hand.
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
> flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
> grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
> WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
> 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
> after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
> handle firmly under the bumper.
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
> upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
> TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
> PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has a tool for
> getting dog **** off your boot.
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
> known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
> everything you forgot to disconnect.
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that
> has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the
> handle.
> TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
> a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
> vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
> benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs
> about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used
> say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
> than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
> paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be
> used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-
> power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air
> travels by hose to a Chicago pneumatic impact wrench that grips
> bolts last over-tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and
> rounds off their heads.
> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
> bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
> used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
> far from the object we are trying to hit.
> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
> well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
> bottles,collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
> parts -- also skin.
> DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
> while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next
> tool that you will need.
> EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which
> somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every
> deficiency in foresight.
> --
> - Ryan
> http://www.memfrag.com - Store your bookmarks. On every computer.

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