[DMCForum] Off Topic Joke; WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.
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[DMCForum] Off Topic Joke; WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.




Office Etiquette

#2 in the Work Place

We've all been there  but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise,  the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate
flatulating/pooping at work,  following is the Survival and Reference Guide made
just for you!

CROP  DUSTING:

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is  not in your
area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came  from. Be
careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been  expelled.
Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your  pants.

FLY BY:

This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before  pooping. Walk in and check
for other poopers. If there are others in the  bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.  People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the  bathroom.

ESCAPEE:

This is a fart that slips out while taking a  leak at the urinal or forcing a
poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by  a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge  it. Pretend it did not
happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the  urinal, pretend you did not
hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is  uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties  feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:

When forcing a poop, several farts slip  out at a machine gun pace. This is
usually a side effect of diarrhea or a  hangover. If this should happen, do not
panic. Remain in the stall until  everyone has left the bathroom to spare
everyone the awkwardness of what just  occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:

The act of flushing the toilet the  instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of airtime the poop has  to stink up the bathroom. This can
help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF  SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the  door after you have just stunk
up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable  moment if someone walks in
and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend  that the smell does not
exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with  the use of the C
OURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:

This is  a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will
often see an Out  Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under his  or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The
Closet Pooper  before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (  P.F.N):

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency  pooping goes off
without incident. This group can help you to monitor the  whereabouts! of Out
Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE  HAVENS:

A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building  where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of  theopposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the  bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:

This is someone who does not realize that  you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most  shocking and vulnerable moments
that can occur when taking a poop at work. If  this occurs, remain in the
stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you  will avoid all uncomfortable
eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:

A phony  cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in
a stall is  called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON,
or to alert  potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when
used in  conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:

An Astaire is a subtle  toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a  stall. This will all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an  Astaire,leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can
poop in  peace.

WATERMELON:

A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud  splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If  you feel! a Water melon
coming on, create a diversion. See  CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:

A case of diarrhea that creates a  series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often acompanied by an Escapee. Try  using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:

An Uncle Todd is a  bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This
person could spend  extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting
on the pot. An Uncle  Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait  to poop when the bathroom is empty. This
benefits you as well as other  bathroom attendees.



Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the  WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.



NOTE:   THIS DOCUMENT MAY CONTAIN CONFIDENTIAL AND NONPUBLIC INFORMATION.  IT
IS  INTENDED ONLY FOR THE USE OF THE INDIVIDUAL(S) OR ENTITY(IES) NAMED
ABOVE, AND  OTHERS SPECIFICALLY AUTHORIZED TO RECEIVE IT.  If you are not the
intended  recipient of this document, you are notified that any review,
dissemination,  distribution or copying of this communication is prohibited.  If you have
received this communication in error, please notify me immediately by return
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