[DMCForum] The following is a work of satire. [was: Tilley-about as Delo
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[DMCForum] The following is a work of satire. [was: Tilley-about as Deloreanrelated as a toad and an orange]
- From: Farrar Hudkins <fhudkins@xxxxxxx>
- Date: Mon, 08 Mar 2004 17:40:45 -0600
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
March 8, 2004
From: Tilley Company, Inc, LLP, SM, BsC, DM, WTF
Re: Coming soon from the Tilley Company
We at the Tilley Company have been working hard since the initial
failure of our electric DeLorean due to a sprained forced-singularity
coupling. We're happy to announce that the project is back on its feet
and, in the words of our certified-genius esteemed leader Mr Karl Tilley
himself, "won't go tits-up this time!" (Mister Tilley has recently been
awarded a Lifetime Achievement Award by the International Cultural
Elite. A press conference is scheduled for this fall.)
We'd also like to notify you of some exciting new projects in our
scientific research department, bringing about some brilliant products
which will benefit the whole of mankind. Current tasks include the
- A memory-scan system so accurate it can deduce original ethnicity
details from anyone with a hyphenated last name.
- Lie-detection machinery which can accurately refute campaign promises
BEFORE political primaries.
- Self-cloning lima beans and corn which produce frozen succotash with
- A device which electronically removes hangover potential from
alcoholic beverages through a simple straining process.
- Nanobots which live in shoe-soles and repair footwear when not in use.
And our most exciting development to date:
- A carefully-designed nuclear-powered time-controlled chamber which
accelerates the growth of twelve-year-old children by ten years, thus
eliminating the need for adolescence. This device, small enough to fit
in the corner of the average living-room, is tentatively called "Neural
Enhancement Adolescence-Thwarting Orb", or "NEATO" for short. Testing is
underway and should be completed by early 2014.
Further news: in our continuing push for renewable energy sources, we're
very close to completing our breeding of vegetation which requires
neither water nor oxygen nor gravity to perpetuate itself, as well as
tribbles which extract nutrition from the air. Full details will be
available on our website as early as next November.
And stay tuned to our website as we unveil the ultimate
performance-enhancing machine: Simply hook it into your brain, and it
converts unused portions of the cerebrum into energy generators. You'll
never have to sleep again! Presentation scheduled for late 2004, early
2006, and again in June of 2017.
We at Tilley Company look forward to bettering mankind, and we can't do
it without public support. Now accepting donations in all currency,
including Spanish doubloons and carbon.
Director of Publicity, Tilley Company
I hope that's a good enough quote. It sure was a fun way to spend my
> Hey guys,
> Tilley doesn't quit. Now he has a bike, a boat, water pump, and
> gates. Next he should build an electric spacecraft. Farrar, you
> better be able to insert a quote here.
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